My Sister

My sister is the best friend that I could ever hope for in life. She is so special to me. She came over today to check on me because I am sick, and we just talked for a few hours. She is going through a period of change in her life as well. She thinks that I should just go for it and leave. Go travel and find myself. I want to-I am just so scared. I have been slogging through my life for so long that I am scared to death to do anything different. I have never had this problem before. When a job or relationship was not working out for me I just quit. Now I am just paralyzed with fear.

Paralyzed with fear
I am so scared that it hurts
It hurts that I do not know who I am
I do not know where I am going
I am lost in the forest
No trail of breadcrumbs to follow
My heart feels so hollow
I am walking in circles
Going nowhere
Learning only that I have become a coward
Living a life that I do not want to live

Why Does the Universe Taunt Me So?

As if seeing Groundhog Day was not enough, I am now watching Sex and the City on TBS. My God, it is like I am Carrie Bradshaw...minus the fabulous wardrobe, apartment and job. She thinks the exact same things as I do. Is there something I am missing? Why can't I just be happy with what I have? I wish that it were that easy, like there was a magic chant you could perform to erase your memory so you could forget all of the things that you had wished and hoped for and never gotten.

I don't even really know what I want. But I do know how I feel right now. Trapped. I cannot even breathe sometimes. I need to do something drastic. I need a change.

What can I do to feel in control of my life again? How do I break out of this rut? How did I build this cage around myself? I wonder if there are people out there who feel like me. Everyone seems so much surer of themselves than I do. People my age should know what they want by now, shouldn't they? People should have a chosen path at this point in their life, right?

I want to pull out my hair. My mind won't stop. It is screaming at me. DO SOMETHING! ANYTHING will do at this point.

Groundhog Day

Is it a coincidence that during my crisis of wondering what the hell I am doing with my life...living the same day over and over and over that Groundhog Day is on TV? It is a movie about a weatheman, Bill Murray, who lives the same day over and over and over again in the small town of Punxsutawney, PA. It is a very good movie, both poignant and funny. But right now for me, very scary. Bill Murray does not have a choice to live the same day, he is just caught in some kind of a weird time loop. But what is my excuse for living the same day over and over again? I have a choice. I think I am going to quit both of my jobs. I cannot do it anymore. I am losing years off of my life. I am waking up to the same day over and over, and I am going to do something about it.